Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
