two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
