Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
last night I used snow as a chaser
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