Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
this hospital has no fireball
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
