i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
