I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
operation have a gay friend backfired
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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