I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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