Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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