i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
