so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i will never coherently bang her
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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