I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
