a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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