I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
