That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
