Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize