Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
