I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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