I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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