oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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