whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
