I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
