every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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