Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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