his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
