Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
