Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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