I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
no. you can't hotbox the world.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
