Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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