I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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