The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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