Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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