my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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