Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
