Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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