Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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