hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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