You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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