dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
