i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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