i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
