yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
