I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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