Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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