She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
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