No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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