My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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