i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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