Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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