I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
