I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
