How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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