The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
