Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
