Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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