Where is the hickey?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How naked do you want me to be?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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